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Dorkstorm: The Annihilation
The ten geekiest hobbies
By Seanbaby
You can tell a lot about a person from the hobbies they choose,
especially if it requires them to be tied to a bathtub full of hot dogs
with a panel of judges and a proctologist with a tape measure watching.
But enough about coin collecting. We’ve contacted renowned experts on
geeks, as well as many actual geeks, to compile this list of the dorkiest
things you can do with your time. Each activity will be ranked on both
how badly it humiliates the participant and how negatively it affects his
or her sex life. These are not rough estimates. These are scientific
facts based on the research done by captive supergeniuses working in
controlled conditions with test mice and test mice dressed like tiny
wizards.
10. Comic Books
Public Humiliation: 49.5%
Our studies show that comic book geeks are normally solitary, but engage
in very noisy arguments when gathered in numbers. These are usually based
on the most recent superhero movie, and how much it sucked. This sucking
is always measured in direct relation to the number of continuity
problems between it and an issue of The Incredible Hulk, which to
be honest, had some problems of its own like the Abrams tank with the
completely wrong size smoothbore turret and the Hulk’s hair just all of a
sudden being parted the other way! Safety Tip: If your comic book geek
isn’t loudly complaining about something, check carefully – you might
have blacked out and killed it.
Damage to Sex Life: 68.7%
When you’re finished showing someone your chart of all the ways Magneto’s
hat in X-Men 2 was incorrect, it’s going to be a long, uphill
battle to then have sex with them. And to make matters worse, the faulty
shape of the dong port in the movie’s version of Magneto’s hat will make
having sex with it even harder.
Distinguishing Characteristics: Comic book geeks wear a uniform of a
faded Green Lantern t-shirt and a confrontationally unkempt appearance.
9. Role Playing Games
Public Humiliation: 63.4%
Dungeons and Dragons combines the nerdiness of a fantasy setting with the
fruitiness of improvisational theatre, and as if that weren’t enough for
them to deal with, the rest of us think these people are going to go
crazy and kill us. It’s really hard for society to do more to tell you
that if you play this game, you’re on your own.
Damage to Sex Life: 78.0%
We weren’t exactly sure on this figure, since a 78% means that there’s
still a 22% chance of a woman walking by role players and one of them saying,
“A minotaur? Here in the Dungeon of Kajmar!? Very well, I swing my axe of
axing at th- why hello there, pretty lady. My name’s Twinkleberry, The
Spritish Pegasus. Why, as a matter of fact I AM single.”
Distinguishing Characteristics: An RPGeek either wears a black heavy
metal shirt or, in tragic attempts at stylishness, a button-up shirt with
a wrap-around dragon and flames.
8. Scrapbooking
Public Humiliation: 86.2%
Most people tend to avoid scrapbookers in an effort to prevent their
photo from being pasted between a floral border along with a word bubble
shouting, “Are we having fun yet!” Scrapbookers have an insatiable hunger
to date and catalogue precious moments, and many fear that these
keepsakes are being collected to one day be used in an evil plan to flood
the world with vomit.
Damage to Sex Life: N/A
People who make scrapbooks do not have sex organs like you and me. As
required by the Code of the Scrapbookers, after the completion of their
first book of cherished memories, surgeons replace their genitalia with
paste dispensers.
Distinguishing Characteristics: You’ll know these people because
they’re always leading a small parade of their offspring in karate,
ballet, scout or soccer uniforms. And according to shocking facts learned
from these people’s sweatshirts, their children THINK THEY’RE AN ATM!
7. Star Wars
Public Humiliation: 82.1%
Before the lame-ass new Star Wars movies, we might have let it go
if we saw a Lando Calrissian or an Ewok waiting in line for a movie. Not
anymore. Anyone disguised as a Jedi in this day and age had better have
been helped into that costume by a caregiver assigned by the state to
assist their special needs. Related Trivia Fact: Admiral Ackbar is the
guy with the fish head from Return of the Jedi that screams things
like, “Shorshenblorg borshchortle!”
Damage to Sex Life: 54.6%
Dressing like Darth Vader creates a number of sexual obstacles. First you
have to find someone who doesn’t mind dating the dark lord of geeks, and
from this point on the sentence is moot since you won’t, and then they
have to safely be able to dig their way through your codpiece of
cybernetic space enhancements. Impossible. Plus, the speech that Darth
Vader gave to Natalie Portman in Episode II (about how she was so
great because she wasn’t like sand) is going to hang over the heads of
evil single Jedi for generations. On the other hand, the strict moral
code of the good Jedi prevents them from touching naked women with
anything other than a light saber. And that, of course, would kill them.
On the third hand, I have this theory I’ve been meaning to test that
jumping into a room naked and screaming like Chewbacca would be super
erotic. Keep in mind, however, that my last theory, “Wouldn’t it be sweet
if these were like, FLYING condoms?” went largely ignored by the sex
community.
Distinguishing Characteristics: Overweight, casually strolling into
the center of the room, and then when you least expect it, bursting into
a blinding Jedi combat storm with a golf ball retriever.
6. Vampirism
Public Humiliation: 90.0%
When enjoying Tim Burton movies and the Cure aren’t enough to express
your artistic depression, you turn to vampirism. This type of geek
gathers with its kind to simulate vampiric society through a game of
milling around and giving each other spooky threats in untraceable fake
accents. Beginner’s Tip: The costumes and makeup required for this hobby
are elaborate, so if you don’t have time every morning for a Dracula
makeover, you can send the same message by just wearing a sign reading,
“I hate my parents and my classmates beat me.” To make this slightly more
vampiric you may want to add the word “Blah!” at the beginning and end of
the sentence.
Damage to Sex Life: 14.9%
One danger of vampiric sex is that many singles within in these
communities are actually undercover vampire hunters waiting to jam a
stake into you while you’re struggling to untie your corset. Aside from
that hazard, though, it’s all good news: The dark creatures breed some
pretty sexy people jammed into some skimpy leathery outfits. If you don’t
mind making out with someone who, like you, tastes like stage blood and
cigarettes, you can lead an exciting sex life of the night.
Distinguishing Characteristics: Vampires are difficult to spot. Keep
an eye out for the group of restless magician corpses with simulated
human remains dripping from their mouths. One way I’ve found to make sure
they’re real vampires is to scream, “Skeletor!” and see if they cheer in
agreement.
5. Collectible Card Games
Public Humiliation: 96.8%
Some experts claim that living a moment of completely pure humiliation is
impossible, since that can only be achieved through some kind of lethal
masturbation accident. But those experts have never seen the shame on a
grown man’s face who’s just been caught by someone he knows playing
Pokemon cards with a 10-year-old stranger in a hobby store.
Damage to Sex Life: 89.3%
All the carefully constructed card decks and assault strategies become
useless once these geeks discover that a woman’s vagina contains no
defending dragon harpies. Ha ha, that’s one of those double ironic jokes,
because anyone who took high school biology knows that they actually DO.
Distinguishing Characteristics: This geek is always carrying a
backpack, at least one more type of case for emergency miniature statues,
and a thick layer of atrophied blubber to drip feed them nutrients.
4. Everquest
Public Humiliation: 70.1%
Since this game is played over the computer, most people would never know
you played it unless you told them. However, if you’ve ever known anyone
that’s played Everquest, you know that the part of their brain that
allows them to keep the details of their quest for level 8 Vorpal chaps
to themselves has long since been destroyed.
Damage to Sex Life: 99.8%
While other geek hobbies act as intercourse repellent, this game is so
addicting to its users that it will actually destroy any sex life they
might have, through some kind of groin miracle. And with all the male
players pretending to be girls to get magical gifts, no one’s
inter-gender social skills are going to be finely tuned when or if they
ever pull themselves away from imaginary adventuring.
Distinguishing Characteristics: If someone looks like they and their
gut have spent the last three days together in the same clothes, and
they’re secreting Mountain Dew out of their pores, that’s a good sign of
Everquest. The other is the wistful look in their eyes that yearn to gaze
upon lizard warriors killing hobbits.
3. Star Trek
Public Humiliation: 86.2%
These geeks used to be called Trekkies, but now insist on the less
derogatory term Trekkers, which is the image control equivalent of adding
a koala bear to the Nazi flag. They tend to be unobtrusive, but for every
hundred Trekkers polite enough to obsess in their own homes, there’s some
bastard singing at the karaoke bar in Klingon and a computer repairman
demanding that his coworkers address him by his Starfleet rank. Before
you laugh, though, there’s almost assuredly a third one building
something that can vaporize your non-Star Trek ass from orbit.
Damage to Sex Life: 93.4%
While it’s true that ladies crave fat men with pointy ears and a strong
armpit odor, those green aliens that Kirk used to bone created a standard
of beauty for Trekkies that no Earth woman can live up to.
Distinguishing Characteristics: If someone approaching you is more
machine than man and threatening to assimilate you, it’s either a Star
Trek enthusiast or an android lost in time. Either way, it’s your duty as
a human to smash it.
2. Furries/Plushies
Public Humiliation: 99.95%
Furries are people who dress like animals to have sex with each other,
usually without regard for gender of their mate or the species of their
costume. If that’s tough to wrap your head around, picture McGruff the
Crime Dog coming to your school and humping your mascot’s leg. Plushies
have a similar hobby, but instead of having sex with nerds dressed as
animals, they consummate their relationships with their stuffed animals.
I’m sure you’ve heard of these people; they’re the main reason the Care
Bears declared war against us.
Damage to Sex Life: -9.2%
For a plushie out on the prowl, the good news is that barnyard puppets
just can’t say no. And as for the furries, they don’t seem to be picky
about who they mount. Maybe because they’re ecstatic to find other people
with the same debilitating social handicap as themselves, but most likely
because everyone looks hot as a six-foot chicken. I mean, who’s with me,
how do you not [Censor’s note: you really didn’t want to read this part
we cut] all the way into its chicken hole!?
Distinguishing Characteristics: You’ll know furries and plushies
because they’ll either be wearing a crotchless panda suit or just a
screaming teddy bear firmly against their crotch, respectively.
1. Live Action Role Playing
Public Humiliation: 100%
Live action role playing, or LARP, is a nerd’s parent’s worst fears come
true: Dungeons and Dragons has finally made their child go crazy. These
people dress up like fantasy characters and go on adventures where other
nerds play the parts of enemy monsters, which would be fine if the
participants were in the second grade. When adults do it, it’s like a
renaissance faire and backyard wrestling met, had demonic babies, and
gave them weapons.
Damage to Sex Life: 100%
If you and your team of paladins are thinking about leaving your mom’s
basement to move your fantasy quests into society, you might as well
leave your genitals behind.
Distinguishing Characteristics: Aside from the barbarian clothes and
giant monster heads, it’s impossible to know who might be LARPing. The
only way to be sure is when they throw make-believe fireballs at you from
their very fingertips, but by then... it’s already too late.
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